I love Christmas. I think it’s a great opportunity for families to get together, especially if they’re weird or disturbed and don’t get along with each other. Fortunately, my weird and disturbed relatives live in Russia at best and Melbourne at worst, which means I don’t get presents, but I also don’t get rage blackouts.

Interestingly, in the Soviet Union, Christmas was banned on account of it being both religious and capitalist – and as we all know, the only thing more anti-Russian than religion and capitalism is happiness. Capitalist Christmas traditions were tastefully replaced with The Party’s own holiday: New Years. Here’s how a typical New Years in Russia would go:

You wake up in the morning to the sound of communism’s triumph over capitalism. You get out of bed (or more precisely, haystack), kiss the photo of Lenin on the mantle in your living room (which is also your kitchen, dining room, bedroom and bathroom) and walk to the sink to brush your teeth with the communal toothbrush, which, like the toilet, is shared between six other families. Then you sit at the TV, which doubles as your breakfast table, and eat a raw potato with a glass of vodka. For children, only half a glass.

Watching the TV was not an option, because your house would only have one wooden stool which faces the screen. This stool also happens to be your father’s bed, and as it’s New Years, he’d still be sleeping on it. Thus the mother would finish the rest of vodka while the kids would play football outside with the skulls of murdered capitalist traitors.

At noon, the family would gather to have lunch and discuss how great Lenin is. This would continue until evening, when the family would then open the presents under the New Years Tree. By decree of the Communist Party, all presents had to be a photo of Lenin. Once the father woke up, the family would gather and watch classic Russian television, like Dancing With The Tzars. Oppression and lack of personal freedoms would resume the following morning.

It might sound bad, but it’s better than what we do. That is, until now.

I’ve got the perfect idea to make Christmas into an amazing holiday: if nobody got anybody a present, took the money they saved and went to a shop, bought whatever the fuck they wanted, and came home, you would avoid being an impractical, brainwashed idiot. And, instead of ending up with a dozen cheap shitty presents, you would get exactly what you wanted. So stop being an idiot, and do Christmas the logical way.

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