If you’re wearing a sun-visor and you’re not playing lawn bowls, watch out. From now on I’m walking around with a box of matches to set fire to anyone under 80 with a sun visor. Look, you sun-visor-wearing douchebags – it’s not cool. It’s not even remotely cool. You’ve taken a fashion from old ladies and turned it upside down. Sorry, you fail. Turning something upside-down does not instantly reverse its badness and make it good. Except babies, if you shake them a bit.

Did you know, the word “dis” is short for “disrespect”? I for one, had no idea, but now that I know, it sickens me. Trust visor-wearing thugs to come up with that. Let me ask you something, street-linguists. What if you want to add “-izzle” to a word that already ends in “-izzle.” Not so smart now, eh?

I trust there are one or two “gangstas” who are sitting there, stewing in their juices, planning down to the last cap what they’re going to do to my ass. Well, I’m not afraid. Why? Because real gangsters wear proper headgear, so I couldn’t have offended any real gangsters. I’m talking about real respectable gangsters with real hats.

I’m not afraid of your visor-wearing antics. What are you going to do to me? Shove a lawn bowl down my throat? Throw me in an industrial-sized bingo machine? If you were a real G, you’d take my advice and find another hat. Anything will do, except for the bucket hat. The poor design won’t protect you from the sun so much as it’ll protect you from getting laid.

There’s a reason why fishermen wear bucket hats – it’s because the only females they encounter in day-to-day life have fins. Not even Brad Pitt could get a screw in a bucket hat. If his date was on Rohypnol, he still wouldn’t be getting any. I guess you could say it’s like a chick magnet… except you and the chicks have the same polarity.

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