Children. What a bunch of morons. They’re not even allowed to do hard labour in this country, which is a complete waste of resources. It’s not like they’re good for anything else, except being professional full-time idiots. I’ll tell you, if I had a dollar for every time I’d heard a stupid exchange between two braindead children, I’d have enough money to buy that mail-order Russian bride I’ve always wanted. Just so you know, I won’t be having children with her, and that’s not because they’ll probably have genetic defects. It’s because children are dumb and I don’t want to be related to any.

Just the other day I was at a train station and bore witness to an argument so stupid, I thought I was hearing foetuses argue through their mother’s wombs. The little shits, only just having learnt to count to 10, saw a display which said the train was arriving in 5 minutes. On the opposite screen there was another message that said the following train was arriving in 6 minutes. This is how the argument went.

“The train’s coming in 5 minutes!”
“No, 6 minutes!”
Repeat ad nauseum.

Wow, who taught these brats rhetoric? You’ve stated your argument, now move on to supporting evidence.

A minute of stupidity passes, the message changes from 5/6 minutes to 4/5 minutes and the girl who’d bet her prepubescent dignity on the number 5 starts jumping around and cheering. If only she realised how illogical her arrogant conclusion of victory was. If she was admitting that the “following trains” screen told the correct time, then she was also admitting her own defeat. Suck it up, douchebags. You’re both losers.

Not twenty minutes later, I saw a kid whose parents were taking him to the Harbour Bridge, hopefully to throw him off. He was going on about how he was so excited about it, that he would climb the bridge, and when he’d get to the top, he’d scream really loudly so that all of Sydney could hear him.

Sydney is a 2000 square kilometre agglomeration of 300 suburbs, not even counting outerlying regions which make it almost 5 times that size. If you think your prepubescent vocal chords are capable of vibrating enough air for that shit, you’ve got another thing coming. You could make a shrapnel bomb out of foghorns and alarm clocks and blow the bridge up with it – they still wouldn’t hear it at the edge of the city.

And you can’t just climb the Harbour Bridge. What about safety gear? What about the $200 fee? What about your tiny, undeveloped leg-muscles. Oops, you’re an idiot.

If that wasn’t enough stupidity for one day, this brat then proceeded to demonstrate how loudly he would scream. We all unfortunately know what a dumbass child sounds like, we didn’t need to be reminded. And I bet you thought the Harbour Bridge is the highest point in Sydney. Wrong again, fucker. If you just stopped screaming, opened your eyes and looked at a bloody calendar for a second, you’d realise its 2009 already and it hasn’t been highest point in Sydney for like three thousand years. Checkmate.

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