If there is one thing in the world that’s worse than cancer, it’s people who spend their entire lives trying to avoid hair straighteners, mobile phones and words with the letter “c” in them because they’re afraid of getting some horrible disease. The logic here is simple: the amount that you’re reducing your own quality of life by worrying about all this shit does not outweigh the amount that you’re improving your quality of life by supposedly not getting cancer. When scientists started claiming that cooking food causes cancer, well, that’s when I stopped caring. Somehow I’d rather enjoy my life and die early, than spend all my time worrying about cancer, live until I’m 120 and then die anyway.

My least favourite word in the English language is “carcinogenic”. This is because I hear it every day being spewed out of the mouths of women who think that using five-syllable semi-scientific words offsets the fact that they don’t know shit about anything. All that worrying you’re doing about cancer and germs (and Germans, which I originally wrote as a typo), it’s shortening your lifespan and making you go grey. Stress is also one of the leading causes of ugliness, which leads on to this theory I have about cancer-whingers. Cover up the left-hand side of the following image and try to guess how hot the girl is by reading about her eating habits. These are all real life examples.

You know what else I hate? People who’ve already thrown out their toaster, refuse to shop anywhere that doesn’t have “natural” in its name and wear pants that are fifty sizes too big for them, because that somehow makes them “attune with the Earth”. Newsflash: the earth is an enormous ball of dirt. Good luck getting attune to that.

Sure, you might only buy biodegradable shoes, but if you were really worried about the planet then you would stop driving cars and using public transport. Too hard, isn’t it? How about you stop using air-conditioning and heaters, one of the biggest consumers of household energy? Yeah, can’t be bothered either. Oh, and did you know that running a computer takes about a tonne of fossil fuels per year? Oops, better throw out that PC, you hypocrite (or should I say Mac, considering the type of people we’re talking about here.)

Sure, even little things to help the environment make a difference, but you can’t get all high and mighty about it and start thinking you’re the Messiah because you buy organic eggs. The simple fact is this: you can’t be environmentally friendly and still live in a Western country. It’s impossible. Unless of course, you’re a gigantic hypocrite. So by all means, keep doing your bit for the environment, but unless you’re willing to throw out your computer and move to rural Tanzania, stop expecting everyone to fellate your privates.

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