Savour the sound of your friend’s novelty fart this April Fools’ Day, it may be the last thing you ever hear – before living out the rest of your natural life and then awakening to THE PIERCING SCREAMS OF HERETICS BURNING IN THE LAKE OF FIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY:

Proverbs 26:18 Like a madman who shoots flaming arrows, arrows, and death, so is the person who tricks his neighbour and says, “I was only joking!”

We all know the punishment for shooting flaming arrows, arrows and death – eternal damnation. And since practical joking and reckless murder are basically the same thing, I guess all you pagans who celebrate this unchristian holiday are screwed. However, for everyone who hasn’t yet been condemned to the fiery flames of hell, you’re in luck, because I’ve made a comprehensive list of things God hates, so you can avoid them in future. Apart from practical jokes, God also hates:

Long Hair

Clearly Jesus was too busy to read Corinthians. What’s your excuse, heretic?

Live Africans

Don’t get me wrong. God doesn’t hate Africans. In fact, he loves Africans. He loves them so much, he wants them to get to heaven as fast as possible. That’s why he sent his Press Secretary, Benedict XVI, to Africa to remind all of God’s children that the distribution of condoms can’t solve the AIDS epidemic and that “on the contrary, it increases the problem.” I’m not sure what path of logic the Pope was following here, but I think it’s severely overgrown with shrubs – shrubs that haven’t been cleared since Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in 1880, thus ending the Dark Ages. On the other hand, the World Health Organisation has something to say about the matter:

“The male latex condom is the single, most efficient, available technology to reduce the sexual transmission of AIDS.”

Oops. Much like the years he spent in the Hitler Youth, I’m sure he’ll recant it later. Until then, the 20% of Africa that’s Catholic is going to have to stick to the contraceptive method Catholic priests use: paedophilia.

Walls and Pillows

Ezekiel 13:18 “Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows…. Behold, I am against your pillows.”

I’m going to quote Ebon Musings here, who put is so brilliantly:

A true classic! But God’s wrath doesn’t end with pillows, oh no. In 13:21 he further promises to spill out his anger on kerchiefs (“Your kerchiefs also will I tear”), and just a few verses earlier, in 13:15, he swears terrible vengeance against a wall. (“Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall.”) What God has against innocent masonry and embroidery is not explained.

Then again, maybe Ezekiel’s to blame… In chapter 1 he sees some four-headed, four-winged creatures, as well as God’s “loins.” In 4:12 he says that God told him to eat barley cakes baked with “dung that cometh out of man”. In chapter 4 he is told to lie on his left side for 390 days, then to lie on his right side for 40 days, without turning over. No doubt this is all very symbolic, but I don’t think the sinful Israelites were too impressed by their prophets rolling in the mud. In 8:2-3, God’s loins put in another appearance, and in 29:8 he makes all the Egyptians’ “loins to be at a stand.” In chapter 23 Ezekiel rants – at great length – about two women who, as punishment for committing adultery with men “whose issue is like the issue of horses”, will have their houses burned down, their sons and daughters killed with swords, their noses and ears cut off, will be forced to “pluck off” their own breasts, and will finally be stoned to death. Praise the Lord!

We can therefore conclude that God doesn’t have a very good sense of humour. But hey, at least he’s trying, which is why in Ezekiel 10:12, the Lord Almighty reveals a little joke of his own: angels with wheels, whose wheels were covered with eyes. Haha, wheel-eyes! That’s a good one, God!

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