Tomorrow I’m going to the Central Coast, which got me thinking, why is it called the Central Coast? What’s it central to? According to my map, it’s the centre of Lithgow and a point 100 kilometres out in the Pacific Ocean, which is stupid and pretentious.
Australia’s got some pretty lame placenames. The Great Barrier Reef? Why not, The Awesome Barrier Reef. The tourist industry is tough nowadays. Just “great” isn’t gonna cut it. If I’m spending $300 on a glass-bottom boat tour to see a bunch of fish, it better be better than great. It better be excellent.
What about The Great Australian Bight? What the fuck’s a bight and what makes all this shit so great? I speak English and I don’t know what a bight is, how do you expect a Japanese tourist to? Just call it, That Sweet-As Hole in Our Continent and make a big sign to that effect. I’d visit that motherfucker, and so would millions of tourists.
What would I do as King of Australia? Well first, I would give Western Australia back to the Aborigines. Hell, they deserve it. They were calmly enjoying their lifestyle when the British took a shit on it and raped their culture. Besides, the Western Australians won’t mind. They already tried to leave Australia once, in 1933. They had a referendum to make their own country, and it passed. But then they had to ask England if they could do it, and the English told them where to stick their independence movement. That’s right. Up their ass.
Once the Westerners are gone, things will need some shaping up in Real Australia (which, by the way, will be its new official name.) My most important policy as King of Australia will be to take Parliament House off its foundations and move it to Sydney. Then I’ll personally ride my Royal Bulldozer through the city, and turn Canberra into a nuclear power plant, supplying the whole world with clean and efficient nuclear energy. Where do we put all the waste, you say? Tasmania. Problem solved.
But by far, the worst problem with Australia is South Australia. The name itself explains why it’s the least populated state. Could it be any more boring? Are they trying to get people not to visit? If you want people to live in your state, you gotta spice it up a bit. Change “South Australia” to “The Australian State of Kick-Ass”. Change “Adelaide” to “Ade-great-time” and change the state plant from the gum tree to marijuana. And that’s why I should be King of Australia.
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