The problem with Macs is that people don’t know how to use them, so they act like it’s the Mac’s fault when they can’t turn it on. I’ll admit, I once spent half an hour standing in front of an iMac, pressing every button on the keyboard and mouse, yelling “Power on!” and “Go Go Gadget Mac!” because that’s also how I turn on women. Eventually I gave up and called someone to ask where the power button was. Turns out it was on the back.

But that was the old me. Now I’ve realised that even if you can’t turn on your Mac, it’s still better than having a PC. That’s because just the box my Mac came in was hotter than most PCs. Screw PCs, that box was hotter than most women. As a result of its ingenious design, I experienced a four hour long erection that was impossible to subdue. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but eventually I had to go and get my mail and I needed to get rid of it, because I couldn’t fit through the front door. Don’t worry, all I had to do was type “women with straight fringes” into Google Images. I haven’t had an erection since.

I’ve noticed that since I’ve gotten my Mac, I’ve started to see things differently. For example, my pen ran out of ink the other day and the first thing that popped into my head was “bloody Microsoft.” I’ll tell you why. I gave my old PC to my sister and the moment she turned it on, she got a blue screen and had to restart it. By comparison, I woke up this morning and my Mac had already made me coffee and mowed the lawn. I patted it as if to say thank you, but accidentally pressed ⌘-L, so it started doing the laundry for me. Done for the day, I went back to sleep and just before I dozed off I could have sworn I heard it whisper in my ear that it loved me and that it’d never leave me.

Apple also makes a mean telephone. I used to have an HTC Smartphone and let me tell you now, there was nothing smart about that phone. It ran Windows Mobile, which is the electronic equivalent of Down’s Syndrome. And as if having Microsoft insult my intelligence 24 hours a day wasn’t enough, I also had to deal with HTC’s stupid slogans: “Be inspired by the ultimate cinematic experience that will touch your soul and delight your senses.” Screw 3D, four-inch screens are the way of the future! Christ, maybe they should have fired their marketing team and used the extra money to make a phone that doesn’t suck:

Listen up, you chumps. You’re just encouraging Microsoft with your stupid buying patterns. You don’t need them. The only product you can’t get without Bill Gates shoving his little dick down your throat is the Tablet PC, but Tablet PCs blow so nobody cares. Speaking of which, I saw a laptop case the other day that had written on it: “13-inch case, compatible with Tablet PCs”. It’s a bag! How can a bag be compatible with something? My shopping bag doesn’t say “Shopping bag, compatible with groceries” on it. Besides, we all know the only thing Tablet PCs are compatible with is me not buying them. Plus I already have a bag for Tablet PCs:

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