I recently visited Eastern Europe, though I wish I hadn’t. Sure it was nice, but “The Czech Republic” is such a long name that while I was telling my grandmother about my trip, she got cancer and died. I can’t help feeling that her death was in vain, because it’s probably unnecessary to explain to us the workings of their government, every single time we mention them in conversation. Great work guys, you’re a republic! So are 116 other countries in the world. Get over it.

Don’t get me wrong, many countries have large names, and that’s fine – the difference is a little thing I like to call Freedom of Abbreviation. You can abbreviate The United States of America to “The U.S.” or The People’s Republic of China to “Chinky Land”, but with the Czechs you’re out of luck. Shit, the only thing you can do about “The Czech Republic” is make it longer. Sorry, but saying “The Former Czechoslovakia” is like vomiting up a brick. Count me out.

I wanted to make sure we were dealing with dirty fascists here but apparently Wikipedia disagrees. According to the Democracy Index, the Czech Republic is the 19th most democratic country in the world which makes it even more democratic than Greece, who invented democracy, and France, who claim to have invented democracy. Oh, and Britain. But to be fair, Britain doesn’t count because saying you’re democratic and having a queen is like saying you’re straight and having a boyfriend.

Speaking of Britain, what’s with this “Great” business they’ve got going on, sort of like a band of trumpets that plays before the country’s name comes out on a red carpet. I’ve got news for you, Britain. Nobody cares. I don’t go around introducing myself to everyone as “Well-Hung Nathan”. Sure, that’s mainly because it makes me sound Chinese, but also because I don’t need a fanfare of positive adjectives before my name to compensate for the size of my penis. Seriously, Europe. Get your shit together.

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