If I could get rid of one thing in the world, it wouldn’t be war or world hunger, it would be pretentious morons who use the word “film” instead of “movie”. While you’re at it, why don’t you ride your horse to the pictures and see a talkie?

You think you sound clever and sophisticated, but in actual fact you’re just saying the wrong word. In Modern English:

People who use ridiculous, outdated language in an attempt to sound sophisticated, are the same flavour of idiots as those who use “thou” in an attempt to sound formal and ironic. Whoops, the irony’s on you, because “thou” is the informal version of “you”, and the only reason we don’t use it anymore is because people started thinking it was rude.

Besides, just because you managed to catch five minutes of Shakespeare when you were in high school, after some overdramatic English teacher woke you up when she started crying in the middle of giving your class a one-woman rendition of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, doesn’t mean you know how to use the word “thou”. If you’re going to try and speak Early Modern English, at least be a bit less of a douche and do it properly:

Such poor control of the English language reminds me of one of the worst singers on the planet, Lady Gaga. Everything about her infuriates me – from her name, to the way she dresses, to the tattoo on her arm:

“In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, and ask yourself, must I write?”

I can really identify with this quote. After all, it’s a question I’ve often asked myself:

But maybe “write” is too strong a word to describe the action Lady Gaga performs. The lyrics to her latest hit, “Telephone”, really speak to this truth:

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh
Stop telephonin’ me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh
I’m busy!

That “Telephone” topped the charts is proof of how effective my TITS Program could be. All we need to do is insert some sort of high-pitched drone into the song (apart from Lady Gaga’s voice) and design it so that it’s at just the right pitch to kill sperm. That way, anyone who listens to this filth will be unable to spread their horrible taste in music to the next generation – which is already inheriting enough crap, like rising sea-levels and Miley Cyrus.

Perhaps I’m being presumptuous here by assuming that Lady Gaga’s tattoo refers to writing lyrics. Maybe she’s talking about writing music. That’s why I decided to compare “Telephone” with another four-minute insult to my intelligence: “The Way I Are”. The results were astounding.

What infuriates me about “The Way I Are” is that the song’s lyrics follow no logical progression. Here is the chorus broken down:

1. You strip
2. You may get a tip
3. I like you just the way you are

Sure, point 1 leads to point 2 quite logically, but then everything becomes a train wreck at point three, and a male voice comes in, assumedly to correct the uneducated woman, but no, he just makes it worse with this disgusting excuse for a sentence in the English language:

“Can you handle me the way I are?”

That an adult native speaker struggles to operate the most basic of English verbs astounds me. Either that, or the editor missed a typo in the original lyrics because he was just so impressed by Timbaland’s amazing ability to rhyme “you are” with “I are”.

For your information, there are over three hundred words in the English language that rhyme with “are” – taking a shit on grammatical conventions isn’t one of them.

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