Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so do it properly. Any woman or child can break fast – you want to destroy it. Too much of a man to use kitchen utensils? I hear you. That’s why I visited three fast food restaurants, hoping to see what they had to offer in terms of the breaking of my fast. Spoiler: Shit-all.

Bronze Medal: Oporto

It seemed damn alluring. Five dollars for two eggs on a crispy bed of bacon, with a smattering of barbecue sauce.

Instead of a smattering, the 10 plagues of Egypt rained down upon my bacon and egg roll. The first nine were Barbecue Sauce, and the last one was Tastelessness. Rest assured, there was an Exodus – for an hour and a half on the toilet afterwards.

Silver Medal: Subway

I didn’t even know Subway had a breakfast option, but all I’m going to say is this: don’t quit your day job. You know that guy in Austria who ate another guy’s penis while he was still alive? Actually, I’m not going to make the joke. That would be tasteless, so I’d just be stooping down to Subway’s level.

Gold Medal: McDonalds

Contrary to popular belief, there is actually only one breakfast option at Maccas, because the Sausage McMuffin is just a cheeseburger, but less good. I have never and will never eat a Sausage McMuffin for one simple reason:

However, upon eating the Bacon & Egg McMuffin I can safely say that, once again, I got a good, albeit short, run for my money. That’s why I like Maccas. It may not be quality, it may not be big, but at least I can taste what I’m eating – as opposed to other food chains, where it just feels like I’m walking open-mouthed through a carwash. My advice: make your own breakfast. That’s why I’ve also given out an award for best supermarket item, but mainly because this page isn’t long enough yet.

King of the Supermarket: Woolworths “Select” Brand Medium Chunky Tomato Salsa

Yes, you can have salsa for breakfast. Just don’t buy any other piece of shit salsa, and don’t be fooled by the generic branding. This stuff will kidnap your tastebuds and charge an orgasm as ransom. I would marry this salsa if it were legal in my state.

Consolation Prize for Most Embarrassing: Australian Fresh Juice

You thought the manufacture of juice would be a simple process of collecting, juicing and packaging fruit, right? Wrong. According to the back of their juice cartons, Australian Fresh is “forever thinking up new and exciting ways to blend fruit.” It’s like Australian Fresh is Christopher Columbus, but instead of discovering America, he invented hundreds of mind-blowing juice flavours. And by hundreds, I mean seven.

Honourable Mention: Kraft Smooth Peanut Butter

Not only is this badboy every bit as smooth as it says on the packaging, it’s also as irresistible as the bear in the corner makes it out to be. Now tell me that’s not the most pleasing case of reasonable advertising you’ve ever seen. Beats the shit out of the new ads I’ve seen for green-coloured ethanol.

Warning: when selecting your peanut butter, don’t go for the light version. If you wanted light, you should have bought a salad – or a torch. You’re not here to eat a healthy, balanced diet, you’re here to drive your tongue to Vegas and blow your weekly calorie on peanuts. Take your spreadable condiments like a fucking man.

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