You wake up one morning to the smell of fried rice and Islam. You open your window, and there are tents of foreigners strewn upon your lawn. One Arab puts down his kebab and steps out of his tent. He raises his AK-47, thanks his pagan gods for the government’s lenient policy on illegal immigration and promptly shoots your children, then takes your job. You look to the heavens and scream “Why oh why did I vote Labor?!”

According to Tony Abbott, this is what Australia under the Labor Party will look like. The reality? Abbott CAN stop the boats. If he’s elected, asylum seekers will realise they’re wasting their time fleeing countries ruled by religious fanatics with Dark Age views on women to immigrate to a country ruled by a religious fanatic with Dark Age views on women. Or maybe Abbott can just stick his head into the Indian Ocean – surely his ears would block all sea-routes to the continent.

Pop quiz: How many boats of illegal immigrants came to Australia during Kevin Rudd’s three-and-a-half years in office?
a) One hundred.
b) Twenty thousand.
c) Five million trillion.

If you answered a), you would be correct. There was a grand total of about 100 boats during Rudd’s term, as opposed to the one million and fifty thousand immigrants that the government legally brought in. Besides, looking at the data I’d say Abbott has bigger problems to worry about.

“Okay, okay. You’ve convinced me. I’ll vote Labor.”

STOP RIGHT THERE. Have you not learned anything from Grandma Rudd’s fascist internet filter? Wasn’t it bad enough when Labor took all your money and spent it on laptops for snotty school kids and hair dye for Julia Gillard?

Whatever you do, do not vote Labor. Why? Because both parties are exactly the same, so really you’ll just be voting for the Liberals. You see, Australia is a dictatorship run by two identical parties that hold 90% of the vote. Here’s my theory in picture-form:

“Okay, okay. Not Labor or Liberal. I’ll vote Family First.”

Nope, wrong again. The leader of Family First thinks that the Earth is 6000 years old, that pollution is good for the environment because “plants need Carbon Dioxide to grow” and that “natural selection” is a fruit juice. For the love of Australia, vote for anyone – vote for fanatic environmentalists, for no-name independents, even vote for the Sex Party – just don’t vote Abbott or Gillard and definitely don’t vote Family First.

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