Qatar is a modern, democratic superpower with plenty of stadiums and an excellent soccer team. Just kidding. It’s a tiny Arab peninsula with a population of 1.3 million. There were at least that many people on my train this morning, but my train didn’t make a bid to host the FIFA World Cup, did it? Not to mention that Qatar will need a stadium that holds 100,000 people, or 7.7% of their entire population.

Did you know, a person from Qatar is called Qatari? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

It’s pretty rare you’ll see me in a patriotic rage, and it’ll only happen during soccer-related events. This is because, in Australia, if someone is wearing an Australian flag or singing the anthem or even saying something positive about Australia and they’re not coming from a sporting event, they probably have a rat’s tail and beat up Asians in their spare time.

Australian patriotism reached its height in 2005, with the Cronulla Harmony Parade. Since then, Australia has welcomed immigrants with loaded arms and open detention centres. Even our Prime Minister loves immigrants. See?

But is Qatar really better than Australia? I’ve come up with a table that I think settles the matter.

For this ridiculous injustice, Qatar has been put on my official boycott list, following the Czech Republic and Great Britain (due to their ridiculous names and Italy, after their cheating cost Australia the 2006 World Cup. Did you know, Italy changed sides five times during the two World Wars, has about thirty political parties filled with politicians who are constantly getting arrested, and can’t commit to anything that isn’t an illegal dive in soccer? Why don’t you dive into a stable government and strong economy, you spaghetti-eating assholes.

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