There’s fashion, and then there’s men’s fashion. The difference? The main reason men buy clothes is because indecent exposure carries with it a twelve month jail sentence. It’s not worth it, gentlemen. If you want to woo the ladies you’ll need to be a free man. A well-dressed free man. And everything you need to know is in here: The Definitive Guide to Men’s Fashion.

The loose-fitting, light-denim jean is the multi-purpose pant for the busy man on the go. Men don’t have time to concern themselves with trivial matters such as “changing clothes” or “varying outfits”. That’s why the loose-fitting light-denim jean can be worn anywhere. Wedding? Funeral? Bar-Mitzvah? You betcha. Mazel Tov, my friend, because thanks to the loose-fitting, light-denim jean you’re the best-dressed man around. Life is a party and the loose-fitting, light-denim jean is your all-access pass. You’re a fashion man now. You don’t compromise on comfort. And you definitely don’t compromise on style.

There’s nothing more attractive than a man who plays sports. But you, the modern age fashionista, you don’t just play sports. You wear sports. That’s why the sports-brand running-shoe is the perfect compliment to the loose-fitting, light-denim jean for the well-dressed man on the move.

“But Natheist,” I hear you say, “Though I’m an exceptional athlete, I won’t be engaging in any form of physical activity today.”

Whoa now, buster! Don’t let “words” fool you – runners are perfectly appropriate for people in stationary and even slow-moving positions. And trust me, if you take your Nikes to the Christmas party, you’ll get yourself into lots of positions. Sexual positions. Why? Because Nike shoes tell a woman “I’m sporty and I know it. I’m a man on my feet. Come catch me ladies… if you can.” But they can’t. Because you’re a sportsman. With sports shoes.

Asians have rice, Russians have potatoes, now the stylish man has his own staple: the paint-splashed shield-inspired t-shirt with writing from a southern European language. Italian? Latin? Who cares? Certainly not you, the well-dressed man about town.

So what if “kiddy-fiddler” is written on your shirt in Spanish? The 500 million people in the Spanish-speaking world might think you’re a paedophile, but this isn’t the Spanish-speaking world, this is the fashion world. Haters gonna hate and there are still thirteen fourteenths of the world who see you for what you really are: a suave fashion-guru.

Love the shirt but want a bit of colour? Don’t sweat it. The paint-splashed shield-inspired t-shirt with writing from a southern European language comes in your favourite colours: red and brown. Some might say that red and brown are the colours of blood in your stool. Others might point out that if Irritable Bowel Syndrome were a country, this t-shirt would be its national flag. And maybe they’re right. But what’s more important, common sense or dress sense?

Special occasion? The paint-splashed shield-inspired t-shirt with writing from a southern European language comes in black, so you don’t have to compromise on style at that dinner or first date. Keep your loose-fitting, light-denim jeans on, because this badboy is so versatile that if the invite says anything from “hobo-themed dress-up” to “dressy casual” you’re good to go. Just don’t forget your running shoes!

For more fashion advice, see my other guide to fashion.

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