I was pouring steaming hot water over my naked body one afternoon, when I noticed something was missing from the shower cubicle. Angry and confused, I realised someone had stolen my manly shampoo, which by the way, is made of chilli sauce and molten hot lava. This stuff is no ordinary shampoo. This, is Manpoo. And I can’t wash my hair without it.

Faced with no other option, I scanned the shower in vain. To my horror, I found only a lone bottle of Tresemmé, sitting in the corner. It was as if it was beckoning me into its homosexual grip. So… it had come to this.

I started to panic. I looked around desperately for a razor, so I could shave all my hair off instead. I was greeted with nothing but a broken toothbrush and a rusted hair clip. When that didn’t work, it dawned on me: I would have to use the Tresemmé.

Reluctantly, I reached over and grasped it with the tip of my fingers, as if it was made of dirty socks. Unsure of how to operate it, I assumed that, like a woman, it would need hours of my attention if I wanted to get inside. Fuck that. I don’t have time to date a bottle of shampoo.

Fortunately, I’m good at solving problems like this. I put the bottle in my mouth and bit down hard, ripping the upper half of the plastic clean off. It tore with the satisfying sound of a chainsaw destroying native wildlife, and covered my entire torso in a strange white liquid. Yes, I was used to that. But this was worse than that time in prison. Much worse.

I washed most of the goo off me, and tried to find the instruction manual. I found it, ten minutes later, on a splintered piece of plastic, embedded in the ceiling from when I had annihilated the shampoo bottle. I could still read the words, though.

“Apply liberally onto the scalp.”

Um. What? Lucky I keep a waterproof dictionary in my shower, for emergencies just like this.

li-be-ral-ism. noun. 1. A social philosophy which advocates freedom of the individual.

WHAT? Philosophy? How the fuck can a shampoo have individual freedoms? Trust women to come up with this shit.

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