The problem with the roads isn’t speeding, it’s dickheads who drive like they’re late for a threesome and there’s a mine attached to their break pedal. What the government doesn’t understand is that people who speed should be allowed to speed so that they can eventually have accidents and die. This removes their genes from the gene-pool, making speeding a problem that essentially solves itself.

I propose that in order to get a license, a person must sit some kind of test that demonstrates his or her ability to drive. I would call it “The Driving Test” and the questions would go something like this:

Driving Test

This should filter out the majority of dickheads on the road, and drastically lower dickhead-related car injuries. But why stop there? If we have a exam that’ll keep dickheads off our roads, why not an exam that’ll keep dickheads off our planet? Here’s a good example:

Today as I stepped on a bus I was greeted with the sight of a young gentleman. For our purposes, let’s call him Timmy. Timmy is a twelve year old kid dressed like a moron in giant shoes, a shitty skater-boy haircut and a look on his face that says “I fucken own this bus, bro.” Fuck you. You don’t own this fucking bus. The State Transit Authority owns this bus. And learn to spell “fucking”, you little shit. And go back to school. Skating isn’t going to get you anywhere in life. Except prison.

What if there was a method to prevent accidents like Timmy before they happened? Well, now there is. I call it the True Intelligence Test or TITS for short. Here’s a sample of some of the questions:


Question 1: “Death to America! Allahallahallah.” Do you…
a) Strongly Agree
b) Strongly Disagree

Question 2: The only thing gayer than a nipple piercing is…
a) Having sex with another man.
b) Homosexuality itself.
c) Lolwut my nipple piercing goes great with my cock piercing.

Question 3: Your favourite pastime is…
a) Skating
b) Beating up skaters

This will be like the driving test, except stricter. One wrong answer and you fail. Unlike the driving test though, you don’t get to do it again. Instead you get neutered. That way, your idiocy won’t pass on to future generations. Police will be given syringes for this purpose too. Anyone found committing acts of grave stupidity will be neutered on sight. Eventually I’ll have a gun with neutering serum-coated bullets. Driving 40 in a 60 zone? Neutered. Don’t have a muffler on your car? Neutered. Can’t differentiate between you’re and your? Neutered. Some of you might be whinging about human rights. I don’t care. Your grandchildren will be thanking me.

That is, if you don’t get neutered.

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