Something I’ll never understand is why my parents decided to buy a manual car. Hello! Automatic transmission has been around since the 30s – you had 78 years to catch on and you failed. They might as well have bought a horse and carriage. Actually, I would rather shovel horseshit than have to use my left leg while driving. Plus horses are badass and incredibly manly. I could take off the carriage and ride in the streets with my musket and fur coat. No one would ever overtake you if you were riding a horse in a fur coat. Especially if you had a musket. Man, I really want a horse. Can someone buy me a horse?


You’d never get speeding tickets if you were driving a horse. Unless of course you nail a number plate to your horse’s ass, but that’s just inhumane. What’s it going to say on the ticket anyway? You were spotted galloping in a trotting-only zone? Even if it did, you’d have an excellent excuse. “Sorry officer, this model of horse doesn’t come with a speedometer."

No ones gonna mess with a guy on a horse. I bet I could do illegal right turns on a horse, and I wouldn’t be pulled over. Actually, screw right turns. I could hit pedestrians with my horse if I wanted to. If anyone tries to stop me, I can just blame the horse. It has a tiny brain, see? It doesn’t know right from wrong. They’re also apparently colour-blind, which is a great excuse for running red lights. That’s how epic horses are. I really, really want a horse.

The driving test would be a breeze. You couldn’t fail for not checking mirrors or using your indicator, because guess what? Horses don’t have indicators! Instead, when a horse is on the road, everybody has to back the fuck off, because if you hit a horse, it’s always your fault. Even if the horse hits you. It’s still your fault. That’s the law, look it up.


I could pimp out my horse with a stereo and neons and everything. And a horse would be heaps easy to park. Except I don’t think horses can reverse, so you’d have to get it right the first time. Either way, your horse would never get a parking ticket, because it doesn’t have a windscreen wiper. Even if it did, you could just be like “Dude, it’s a horse.” You could park anywhere, too. Hard to reach places. I bet if you can teach a horse to do hurdles, you can teach a horse to park on top of other people’s cars. Horses pretty much ride themselves anyway. Even women and old people could ride horses with at least some level of proficiency. And Asians. Maybe.

Speaking of old Asian women, I was driving and there was this Mercedes in front of me doing 40 in a 60 zone. My friend turns to me and says “What’s the bet it’s an old Asian woman?” and I go “Shut up. That’s racist.” Anyway, we keep driving behind this car, until it finally turns off and what do you know! It’s an old Asian woman. The lesson here is, racism is always correct.

Anyway, the problem with manual cars is, when you’re driving slowly behind some incompetent moron who keeps stopping and starting, you have to fiddle with gears, otherwise the car starts pissing and moaning and whinging about how you’re doing it all wrong and its gears hurt and it just wants to go home. Such a hassle. I’m telling you, it would be easier to drive a vehicle made out of bacon. Sure, you’d only be able to drive it downhill, unless you could figure out how to make a combustion engine that runs on pork. Plus it would start to smell after a while and it would probably decompose once your warranty expires. But goddamn, it would be tasty.

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