I used to have some sort of idle respect for the Labour Party, mainly because they weren’t the Liberal Party. They support Australia becoming republic, or at least they did before Rudd came along. Also, Labour used to have Gough Whitlam, who’s a fucking badass and the only politician in the history of mankind whose face isn’t in dire need of my urine all over it.

Moving on from that image, I have something to say about the Labour Party as whole. I reckon that if you put a bunch of retarded seven year-olds around a conference table with an orang-utan at its head and asked them all politely to come up with some party policies, they’d most likely outperform the Labour Party right now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support the Liberals. But at least when Howard was in power, he didn’t do anything. That’s better than Labour, who are doing plenty of things, all of which are fucking moronic.

Hello, my name is Nathan Rees. Don’t let my given name fool you, I’m actually a moron. You see, I’m part of the Labour Party, but I have the intellectual capacity of a door-handle and I forgot that when they say that the Labour Party is left-leaning, it doesn’t just mean that we like to bend our heads to the side and lift up our right legs. Apparently, we gotta actually reflect it in policies, or some shit? Yeah. I’m so concerned about the working and middle class that I’m taking away subsidised transport, which will cost Australian families up to $1600 per child per year, therefore eliminating the concept of “free eductation” and probably discouraging families from sending their children to selective or private schools. But hey, we really need the money for Senator Conroy’s new internet filter, so you’ll have to just suck it up.

Nathan Rees

That’s right, you tell the bastards. Oh, hello! My name is Senator Conroy. I am the Minister of the Internets, but I prefer to go by my German title, Reichswebnetzungsführer. I am on a mission to fight child pornography. I proposed a bill which would make it mandatory for schoolchildren to pray for the death of child pornographers every day at noon. The bill failed, but I still prayed. Child pornography didn’t go away. More drastic measures had to be taken. Like a mandatory internet filter. Don’t worry guys. I know it works. Iran and Saudi Arabia told me so.

My favourite thing about the parliamentary system (apart from the free sandwiches and getting to say “Mr Speaker” a lot) is how it’s really just the same as a dictatorship, except with 226 dictators instead of one. That’s why, when I told all my fellow Senators about my internet filter and how much it would fuck with the Australian populace, they loved it! They loved it so much in fact, that they decided to give me forty-four millions of dollars. That was very nice of them, but the greedy bastards at the Federal Police’s Online Child Sexual Exploitation Team wanted to take it all away from me. I need that money to fight online child sexual exploitation, you bloody idiots. And if you disagree with the way I’m doing it, you masturbate to child porn.

You know what other country decided to take a couple of liberties away from their people? I’ll give you a clue. Nazi Germany. Oops, I gave it away. And you know those strict filters they have in schools? It’s going to be just like that. All the time. Oh, and while the window of fascism is open, the government thought they might as well crawl in and rape our liberties too, because they’re going to monitor internet communication. I like this metaphor. Let’s just say, our pregnant internet will be carrying the bastard rape-child of Senator Conroy and will therefore be up to 87% slower, and more expensive to use. But thank God for the Labour Party, because I was really tired of being attacked by child pornographers and this totally solves the problem. And thankyou Nathan Rees. Having money was becoming a bit of a nuisance.

Note: Some of you super-sleuths (read: morons) have noticed that I’ve spelt “Labour” correctly – with a “u”. This is because the word “Labor” does not exist in Australian English. Therefore I am not the one who’s misspelt it, the Labour Party is.

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