You know what doesn’t solve problems? The law. Fuck the judicial system. Every dispute should be resolved by means of duel. Back in the good old days, there was none of this girly backstabbing business. You had a problem with someone, you took your glove off, slapped him right in the goddamn face and challenged him to some swordplay. Either you win, and you get what you wanted, or you lose and you die. But if you’re the loser, you deserved it, so it’s win-win. Fairest system of all time.

Nowadays, if you have a problem with someone, your only option is to complain about them behind their back or delete them from Facebook. Oh, and swordplay is a form of homosexual sex. Unbelievable.

I don’t know why the duelling system was phased out, but I’m thinking it has something to do with women. Even without the duelling system, I don’t get why people don’t carry around swords anymore. That’s just stupid. How am I gonna protect myself from criminals if I don’t have a weapon? Also, some of you would know that I’m a huge fan of Shakespearean English. That shit was classy. I think if everyone had swords and spoke Shakespearean English, there would be less violent crime in the world. I don’t know how that works, but maybe it’s because everyone would be too classy for crime.

Kaiser Wilhelm II to the rescue! Sure, he might have been a tyrannous monarch and a gigantic idiot. Maybe he even played a part in starting World War I. But how can you argue with that moustache? You can’t. It’s fucking manly. It’s the manliest thing I’ve ever seen. I bet I could use that picture of the Kaiser as local anaesthetic. If I’m having an operation and it hurts like hell, I could just look at that photo and it would man me up. Or maybe I could use it to blast holes in feminists. Either way, that moustache is inspiring me to unparalleled levels of manliness. I’m surprised the German royal family is dying out, because this stud must have had a million illegitimate children.

What I’m getting at is this: the fashion world should be aspiring to manly nobles such as this, not to the weird ideas of metrosexual idiots. To prove to you that I’m right about everything, refer to Diagram A.

Let’s start from the top, shall we? Why are none of these smart-ass fashion boys wearing helmets? Laugh at me all you want, but I’ll be the one laughing when a stereo-system falls on my head and I’m perfectly uninjured. Also, helmets don’t have to be uncool. Wilhelm’s birdhelmet is proof. I went to the helmet shop to ask if they could make one for me, but they told me I was at the wrong type of helmet shop. I asked if they could just put a metal bird onto one of their plastic helmets, but they said they didn’t have any metal birds. Dinosaurs? They didn’t have those either. Unbelievable.

Shoulder pads – the only thing that differentiates a real man from a crying little girl is his manly shoulders. And notice how Willy is wearing white military uniform, as opposed to those three pansies who have probably never killed a man in their entire metrosexual lives, let alone done a single goddamn thing to defend their country from its enemies. Notice also, that Mr Pansy is wearing yellow socks compared to the Kaiser, who is wearing a mop. I don’t know what the mop is for, but I’m guessing it’s for something manly (like killing bears).

Also contrast Princess’ brown handbag with the Kaiser’s rapier. The rapier contains nothing but patriotism and victory for the German Empire. The bag is probably packed full of beauty gear and the guy’s boyfriend. Boo. I wanna see some fashion parades with people dressed in style, not this flamboyant nonsense.

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